To the guy at the other urinal (Restroom at work)

Date: 2009-07-12, 10:42AM CDT

Ok. Let’s be honest. I came into the restroom, you were already midstream, and it sounded like a fucking firehouse was being deployed into the porcelain receptacle. This greatly enhanced my perception of your manhood. Your urethra is wide like the Mississippi, and could probably accommodate Huckleberry Finn, Jim, and several steamboats. I get it. Congratulations.

I entered the restroom, unzipped, and began the evacuation of a meager portion of urine. It trickled, nay, dripped, into the urinal. You know it. I know it. I was finished long before your manly stream was done, and you cast a sympathetic look my way. Possibly, you were worried that my prostate was enlarged by cancer or some other disease, and that it couldn’t adequately squeeze my bladder. You probably pictured my dong as being a feeble man-gina, that dribbled urine the way a new mother’s over-engorged breast dribbles milk. A dipple.

Well listen to me you self-satisfied prick. I can piss with the best of them. I can let loose a flood of a magnitude that might require God to come down from on high and warn some motherfucker to build a boat and grab some fucking animals. Forty days, forty nights. What happened is, I had a meeting. I was going to be leading a call with something like 30 clients on the line. I would have no chance to get off the line. So I just did a little top off. Just emptied the tank, even though I didn’t REALLY need to go. I didn’t count on Mr. Firehose Dong being right next to me. I didn’t expect that someone with a urethra the size of my thumb would be punishing the porcelain one urinal over. So don’t feel like you’re superior to me, man. In fact, count this as an invitation. Meet me in the restroom on the west side of the building At 1:30 pm on Monday and I will UNLEASH HELL on the urinal. I will expel a stream of urine that will cause barn animals in the next county to flip out. Bring me a terrorist and I will water board that motherfucker with my pee. You will see rainbows in the geyser that flows from my pee hole. Let’s do this.

[via: Craigslist]